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“If the hunger in your innuendo means what I think it does, I like you.”
(Maggie Anderson, from the poem “Good Times”)
PART 1: FIRST KISS
In retrospect, I can see that both my morality and common sense were on vacation the summer of 1991. Although I made several questionable decisions during that time period, my experiences with one man were particularly foolish, but very exciting at the same time.
It all started when a three-year long relationship completely fell apart that March. My first lover and then best friend, Mark, actually ended our commitment on a long distance phone call that I was footing the bill for! Depressed and lonely, I admit that I went looking for someone to make me feel better about myself. I thought that what I *really* needed was to be wanted by another man, but I was quite young and naive, and really didn’t understand the implications of that.
What I found was pure trouble — practically the devil incarnate — with sexy long eyelashes and shoulder-length, dark, curly hair that I immediately wanted to twist my fingers in. Brian was definitely not available, but I didn’t realize that until after I had already let him know that I was interested in him.
I asked him out one afternoon, and was disappointed to hear that he “already had a girlfriend.” But, “she’s not the jealous type, so we can be friends.” I was incredibly disappointed, but not one to turn down a prospective friend (especially since the closeness of my relationship with Mark had damaged many of my other friendships). I agreed that we should be friends, and waited for him to take the next step.
We were both enrolled in a very difficult engineering class, and he started inviting me to come to his place with him to study (he lived alone in a small apartment). He would frequently talk about his girlfriend, who lived in another city about 150 miles away. I always listened carefully when he discussed Jennifer. I smiled, nodded, sympathized about the problems of a long distance relationship, and studied the expressions on his face and inflections of his voice when he discussed her. It was clear that he cared for her very much, but that sex was a major force holding their relationship together. Jennifer was beautiful, and Jennifer was willing and anxious to share Brian’s bed.
I was fascinated to hear him talk about her, and eventually talk about their sex life as he began to open up to me more. Brian was 26, but I was not yet 21, and many of his stories shocked and fascinated me in my relative innocence. He told me about one time that he had been with two women at the same time, and I was speechless. Did real people actually do those things? When he carefully described the three-person kiss they shared after it was over, I was amazed, and very, very, turned on as I imagined what it might have been like.
I think my naivete attracted him. At first we would just study together, and talk. Then, I began to offer to rub his neck for him. Brian had been in an accident several years before, and had lingering neck pain from his injuries. I frequently offered to rub his neck after I discovered his neck problems. He often accepted when he learned that I knew how to give a great neck and shoulder massage. Eventually he actually started asking for the neck rubs.
“Mmmmm,” he commented, “That feels good.”
I smiled and continued rubbing, loving the feel of his muscled shoulders under my small hands. I leaned my body very close to his and talked softly to him as I continued rubbing.
“Good. I’m glad you like it. I know how much your neck bothers you.” Although the words were innocent enough, I knew that what I was doing was seductive.
Abruptly he would make me stop, often saying something like, “OK, I think that’s enough of that.” Frequently he would be laughing as he said it. He would then pull away from me and place several feet of distance between us.
I was confused by his mixed signals but understood that he was in a bad position. I was also very confused at my own behavior. After all, I never considered myself the type to come in the middle of an apparently healthy, functioning relationship, and here I was *throwing* myself at this man (the phrase “happy home wrecker” kept coming into my mind).
The night things changed between us, we had been studying together for our final exam for several hours. Our studying had been mixed with the usual assortment of chit-chat, and what I started to think of as sex-chat, meaning any talk relating to sex that was really too personal for the bounds of our relationship.
We had been talking about personal preferences and such and I had sworn to him that my absolute favorite activity was kissing, and even told him that I was extremely particular about technique and style.
He laughed at this and commented that I definitely had not experienced good sex if I still considered kissing my favorite activity. I was getting used to these “you’re too young to understand” comments etiler bdsm escort from him, but as he intended, it did make me wonder about the quality of my previous sexual experiences.
As I was packing up to leave, I turned to put my books in my backpack, and when I turned back around to face him he was literally only a few inches away from me. My heart was pounding as I looked him in the eyes. “Uh, I was just wondering…” he started.
“Yes?” I asked a little too breathily. I was having a lot of trouble breathing properly at that moment.
“I guess I was just sitting here wondering how you kiss,” he admitted, his eyes moving slowly from my eyes to my lips. This reference was to a part of the conversation that had ended over an hour ago! I was shocked that he had been thinking about it all that time.
“Oh. Well,” I was too surprised for witty conversation. “Well, this is really your call,” I suddenly emphasized, wanting him to realize that he was going to be the one taking responsibility if Jennifer ever learned about this.
“My call, huh?” he asked as he inched towards me. “I just *have* to do this,” he quietly rationalized as his lips finally touched mine.
I can honestly say that Brian had the hardest personality of any man I ever spent time with, but he had the softest lips and subtlest kiss I have ever experienced. The combination of rubbing, licking, and eventually sucking and deep tonguing was making me very light headed.
“Uh…” I broke away, trying to express my feelings of being overwhelmed. His hands stayed with my head, keeping my lips very near to his.
“Hmmm?” he asked softly, staring intently into my eyes and challenging me to end this. I leaned back towards him and he parted my very willing lips again. Brian could and did kiss both directions, and would alternately tilt his head right then left for a slightly different sensation with each kiss. One of his more memorable “signature acts” was to take my lower lip between his and suck on it while lightly running his tongue from side to side across it. It was delicious and exciting, and very different from most of my previous kissing experiences.
Before long, his hands began roaming my body, and I did not object. Brian positioned me so that I was kneeling in front of him as he sat on the couch with his long legs slightly parted. His hands moved slowly down my back then over my hips to the backs of my upper things.
“You have a really nice body, Renae,” he told me, sounding extremely sincere. I blushed and laughed. He smiled and whispered that I had no idea what a body like that did to a man. “So petite and solid,” he complimented.
About here is where I probably should have panicked and left, but instead I just blushed then continued to kiss him and allow him to touch me. He eventually began to very deftly unbutton my blouse, then began touching my breasts through the light fabric of my bra. This prompted small moans and sighs from me, which he apparently liked hearing because he would occasionally groan when he heard one.
I hardly noticed when he started to unclasp my bra, but I did notice when it instantly snapped open for him. I was extremely impressed since Mark was quite clumsy with clasps and fasteners. “Wow! You seem to be quite experienced at that!”
“Oh, all of Jennifer’s bras have front clasps,” he casually explained.
“Oh, I see,” I tried to hide my hurt that he had mentioned her, but he realized what had happened and immediately began touching me and kissing me again to distract me. I can’t believe how easily distracted I was with these tactics!
“I wish you could stay tonight,” he whispered, and finally I experienced shock as I realized that he thought that I might be willing to have sex with him so casually. I mean, this part was nice, but *sex*? That all important and sacred activity that I had waited 19 years to participate in? With a man who was in love with someone else?!?
“No!” I exclaimed a little too forcefully. “I mean,” I amended sheepishly, “my parents are definitely expecting me. In fact, it’s late. Really late. I really need to go. Now.”
“OK, sure. That’s fine. He backed away from me, starting to reconsider the night’s activities himself already. “Sure, I know you have to go home. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” He smiled at me and tried to ignore the problems I was having putting my top back together.
I packed up my books and left very quickly, but that was only the first of many foolish encounters with Brian.
PART 2: SATIN SHEETS
I thought about Brian the entire time I was driving home from his apartment that first night we kissed. I re-lived every single movement of his lips and hands. This man excited me.
The next day in class he was as casual as ever, but did ask if I was coming by to study again. I was relieved that he still wanted to spend time with me, but concerned about the new terms of our relationship. Were we going etiler elit escort back to small talk and studying for our final exam?
When I got to his place that afternoon, we were both acting like the previous evening had not happened. Eventually, though, I offered the usual neck rub and he accepted.
After I had been rubbing his neck for a while, he suddenly turned his head and started kissing me again. “You taste great,” he whispered. “I’ve been thinking about you since last night,” he confided.
I was thrilled that he had been thinking about me and wanted to kiss me again. We continued kissing for some time, then he suddenly said, “Let’s go in the other room.”
Now, the only other room he might have been referring to was the bedroom. I was very scared to agree to this, but was also quite tempted, and felt that I was still in control of the situation. His mouth was doing incredible things to the parts of my body that were uncovered, and I wanted to see what he might do if I let him take more of those clothes off of me. “OK,” I agreed quietly, and allowed him to pull me through the kitchen into his bedroom. His fingers were lightly stroking my hand in a gentle and reassuring way as we walked.
The bed was covered in red satin sheets. This was the first time I had ever seen satin sheets, and I was pretty surprised by them. “Are those satin sheets?” I exclaimed.
“They’re the best,” he agreed. “They feel great against your skin,” he explained. “Here, come down here with me.” I allowed him to pull me onto the bed so we were both sitting on its edge. He turned to me and started kissing me again, and I was soon lost in the sensations of his lips again. I hardly noticed when his right arm reached around to support my neck as he pushed my body so that I was now laying on the bed rather than sitting on it. He was laying half beside me and half on top of me.
“You really have to take off some of your clothes to get the full effect,” he explained, as his left hand began to unbutton my blouse. I was confused as to whether he was referring to the full effect of the sheets or to the effect of him touching me, but removing some clothing seemed necessary in either case.
“Mmmmm,” I assented, completely unsure what I was agreeing to. That Brian was left handed was strangely important to me at this point, because everything he was doing with his hands was “backwards” in my mind, and thus all that much more exciting. After all, his leading left hand was on the right side of my body rather than the usual left side with a right handed man. This may sound trivial, but it was definitely one more piece of the erotic puzzle he was putting together for me.
My blouse hit the floor quietly. His hands cupped both of my breasts and he squeezed lightly as he continued to kiss me. Once again, the bra was unhooked in record time, and it joined the blouse quickly. I was starting to notice how good those sheets *did* feel on my bare back. As he broke the kiss and looked down at my chest, he smiled and commented, “those are really nice.”
As if to emphasize this opinion, Brian began touching my breasts directly, beginning with light touches around the outside, then moving in towards the center. Simultaneously, both of his thumbs moved across the two nipples, and I drew in my breath sharply. Hearing me prompted him to continue moving his thumbs back and forth, which shortly resulted in erect points that he continued to stimulate.
“Do you like that?” he asked. “Tell me if you like that,” he insisted as his hands continued touching me.
“I can’t talk when you’re doing that!” I explained in halting words between sharp breaths.
“That tells me what I need to know,” he accepted, smiling. My back was arching towards his hands and I closed my eyes to improve my concentration on his touches. Brian then bent his head down to kiss my right shoulder. He continued kissing across the top of my chest, above my breasts. He then moved his head to place a kiss directly between my two breasts as his thumbs continued their teasing. He then started licking my chest, staying between my breasts and along the very tops of them. His index fingers then joined his thumbs to begin lightly pinching and rolling my erect nipples between them.
I could not believe how badly I wanted his mouth to replace his pinching fingers. He obviously knew this, because he teased, “May I kiss them?”
“Do you always ask questions at a time like this?” I demanded breathily.
“No,” he replied, laughing.
“Yes!” I exclaimed in answer to the question that he clearly had not needed to ask me. To my delight, he continued touching one while he began licking the other. I moaned to express my approval of this.
His tongue traveled once around then flicked directly across my hardened nipple. After a short while, he switched sides, providing the other breast with similar treatment. He then began sucking on them, also. It was etiler escort a sensual feast for me.
Brian eventually began kissing down my stomach until he reached the top of my shorts. “Hmmm,” he commented. “These seem to be in the way.”
Indeed. I did not object as he quickly pulled off both my shorts and panties at the same time. “Uh,” I started to qualify what I was agreeing to, but he interrupted me.
“Shhh, don’t worry,” he insisted, “we aren’t going to do anything you don’t want to do.” All I could think was that this was great line, and that I hoped he was being sincere. Brian began kissing my lower abdomen and the tops of my thighs. Now, Mark and I had included oral sex in our activities (both giving and receiving). But, he was the only one I had experienced that with until now. This was going to be a “first second” for me, but I really wanted it at this point, even though I was a little scared.
“Just relax,” Brian soothed, “This will feel much better if you relax,” he insisted. As I lay stiffly on my back, my legs were practically locked together at the knees. Rather than try to pry them apart with me completely terrified, Brian simply began kissing the areas he could reach with me positioned as I was.
As little as he could do that way, it still felt great, and I definitely wanted him to continue. I shifted my body slightly so that one leg was turned slightly out while the other remained more or less as it was. Brian immediately took the opportunity to begin kissing the exposed inner thigh, working up to the juncture between leg and not-leg. His hands remained near his mouth, touching me as his lips kissed me. This was a completely new sensation for me. I had never been stimulated in this way by both mouth and hands simultaneously, and I was enjoying this immensely. I wanted to tell him that I liked it, but realized that the changing pitch of my moans was probably sufficient evidence for him.
Sensing my shift from hesitation to pleasure, Brian carefully arranged my other leg so that his hands and mouth had better access to me. As he began licking slowly and wetly across my entire pussy, I got very wet quite quickly. His left pinky eventually slid very slowly and smoothly into me. This, too, was a new technique, as it seemed to me that men had always started by quickly ramming in an index finger or middle finger, or both, usually before I was ready. The rest of his left hand continued touching me, and I was truly amazed that he could concentrate on so many different movements at one time.
As he started to focus his tongue more on my clit, he traded his thumb for his pinky and began moving it in and out in a definite fucking motion. He was pressing backwards, and I could feel his hand rubbing along my perineum, dangerously close to what I considered the “forbidden” region.
Brian continued to stimulate me for an admirable length of time, and I cannot fault him for finally giving up. I continued to squirm and moan and he eventually laughed and informed me, “You’re OK!”
Yes, I was definitely OK, although a little bit frustrated. It was more than a year later that I finally experienced my first orgasm, so I truly was not that surprised or disappointed at the outcome that day. It was actually much later that I realized how close I had probably come to having an orgasm with Brian that day. It would have been amazing if it had happened then, because I had never been able to reach orgasm in three years of trying with Mark. It was incredible to me that a man I had known so briefly could evoke such a strong sexual response in me.
I did great on the final exam in that class, but Brian did not do quite as well. I ended up pulling what I thought was a guaranteed C up to a B for the course, but Brian got a C for the semester.
PART 3: SPAGHETTI AND SEX
I invited Brian to dinner the week following the final exam in our class. I can’t remember what pretext I was using, since the class was over by then. I guess we both just assumed that we were past the point of no return by then, so he politely ignored the fact that we had no real excuse to get together.
My parents were out of town, and I badly wanted some company. I was very lonely at home alone, and still a little disoriented from the breakup with Mark. If I ended up getting some affection, too — well, that was OK with me, but I convinced myself that it wasn’t the main reason for asking him to dinner.
After the spaghetti, we began watching a movie. Brian commented that the screen was hard to see with all of the lights on, and asked if we could turn them off. I turned the lights off and asked if that was better. He agreed that he could see the TV much better that way.
We were sitting next to each other on the couch, and he began tilting his head as if his neck was bothering him. “Could I ask you a big favor?” he began.
“Can I get you to rub my neck? It’s really hurting today and you give such great neck rubs.” He smiled at me sweetly.
Well, OK, then. Clearly he was initiating things, so I didn’t have to feel guilty that I had started it all again. “Sure, Brian. Why don’t you sit here,” I smiled provocatively, and pointed to the area on the floor between my now slightly spread legs, “and then I can reach you better.”
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